Gentle Into That Good Night

Stars shine over the rolling contours of the foothills, filling the heavens with a glow rivaling that of the city left behind. The air holds a chill that searches for crevasses between layer upon layer of heavy insulation, cutting through fingers and leaving them useless wooden blocks under my now saturated woolen mittens. My breath hangs around my face like a fog, violating the perfect stillness of a world preparing for a storm to strike. I look behind and see the impressions of my Wellingtons on the newly fallen snow disappear beyond my sight and pause to allow the moment to wash over me, filling me with a warmth that even the night’s chill cannot steal away. Minutes pass unnoticed, with only the steady flow of blood through my veins marking the time. I gaze into the night, searching the abyss for answers that swirl around like moths trapped in a mason jar.

The moment passes as I awaken from my meditation and take account of my bearings. I wiggle my toes just to make sure they’re still attached and move onward, returning to a steady pace that leads me deeper and deeper into the night. Clarity comes easily here, with only a whispering wind to distract me from the slow, soft, murmurings of my mind. I hum a quiet little tune and for an instant consider heading back to the comfort of home, but decide against it, aware that my wanderings are not without their purpose. Besides, the call of the night will not be ignored, as it gently but insistently leads me down paths not traversed in recent memory. And so, home and bed will have to wait, for I have unfinished business to attend to.

As my feet trudge up another slope the snow starts to fall again, first soft against my face and then in earnest, each flake bringing with it a memory previously lost to the ravages of time. A huge boxer terrier leaps into existence and begins to circle so close that I can see flecks of drool covering his matted coat A small child laughs hysterically as I scrunch my noise and wiggle my ears, allowing her to forget a bruised knee. The images speed along as with the snowfall, a trip to the zoo with my now deceased father, my line pulling at a bass in the Rocky River. And then, my mind now reeling, two figures softly come to focus walking hand and hand out of the mist. They are lost to the night and are seeking shelter from the storm. The pair fades slowly before me, continuing their journey beyond hope or comfort. However, her eyes remain, two deep pools of blue looking intently into my own.

A deep dejected moan escapes my parched lips as I am transported fully back into the scene and reach out to the vision that has become my more real than the night itself. The apparition recedes and I am left grasping nothing but snow which melts between my fingers. The wind rises above the crescendo of my thoughts, mercilessly howling “gonnnnne gonnnnne gonnnne” back to me, echoing my own anguish. I join the refrain, first in a whisper and then screaming out at the top of my voice until it cracks and dies off, leaving me once again standing naked before the night.
A mess of clouds now hangs low over the hills, hiding the stars and leaving the world in shadow except for a glow that seems to emulate from the snow itself. I feel a specter looking on as I struggle to control my pathos.

Sensing my weakness he rushes towards me, numbing all reasonable reflection and leaving behind a blackness that suffocates my breath and pushes my nerves into a state of panic. All my passions, all my regrets, all my failures, are painted upon the faceless figure that I see before me. I know that all efforts to brace my courage are in vain and break into a blind dash, seeking cover, hoping to leave my fear behind in the barren landscape. Leaping into the air I race for the protective arms of a wooded thicket that lies just beyond my ken but am thwarted by a hidden root which trips me. The earth rushes forward, enveloping me in its cold arms. My scream is muffled by the scarf wrapped tightly around my head as I lay face first into the pitch, my glasses fogging up like a greenhouse as warm liquid seeps from the recesses of my eyes. I turn to my back and look upward into the night, fighting an overwhelming desire to retch. My lungs start heaving up and down, up and down, almost bursting out of my constricted chest.

My adversary loams before me, huge and victorious. His form is hidden by the darkness that engulfs him, leaving my lucid imagination to guess at his true nature. I feel his condescending glare, taunting me as my body surrenders to his overwhelming aura. The pain becomes too much to contend with and my mind begins to shut down, leaving me to sleep where I lie. Finally succumbing to the fate that should have been mine so long ago peace surrounds me like a down comforter. The race has been run and I am beyond the realm of physical pain.

As I drift into the ether I feel nothing at all, except an acceptance in knowing that after years of running I am at rest. I look down at my cold body far below, clinging to the edge of life, but no longer feel a part of its struggle. The phantom that has haunted me recedes back beyond the hills and loses his perverse power over me entirely, finally dissipating from existence. But I know he will return, dogging my footsteps as he has done for long. Looking onward, I listen close to the night and hear the moan of pines in the distance as they speak of wind and the cold they feel deep in their knotted hearts. These ancient trees have seen great sorrow over the years but rarely take heed of the plight of those freezing under their ageless boughs.

Instinctively I know what I must do now that I am freed from the limitations of my physical form. Without a look behind I continue onward, without fear of cold or darkness, my night’s journey just begun. I soar on the wings of the clouds passing low over a sea of milky white waves lapping up against an endless sky. Within moments I reach my destination, the forest of pine that I know so well. The thicket soon encompasses me, blocking out stars and wind alike but allowing me to glide noiselessly through. I am no longer entrapped by the snares of time or space and choose to see the world as it was ten years ago as a much younger man walked through the glade with his newly wedded bride.

The couple is lost in a swirling blizzard the rages around them, draining the life from their once ruddy faces. What had been a carefree jaunt in the countryside has become tragic as they wade along without direction. Finally they see the shelter of the trees in the distance and start for them but by this time they are nearly broken. Their faces become haggard with grief and desperation and their pace slackens to a crawl. As the night falls so to do the lovers, succumbing to the cold that has burrowed deep within them, freezing their bones to the pith and leaving them unable to battle on. They lie yards from the wooded heaven but can go no further, doomed to lose their lives within sight of safety.

Reliving this scene one last time I feel none of the grief that has been so constant over the years. In fact I feel no pain at all, only a numbed curiosity as to how their story will end. In my heart I know that both man and women should have died under the billowing snow, lost forever to this world. And yet this cannot be what has occurred here. Somehow the man I look at with death in his eyes survives this scene to become the specter that now watches from above. Suddenly the darkness is broken by a soft glow circling the pair. I first think it is coming from the snow but then see the spirit of my beloved leave her lifeless body and shoot upward into the night filling the world with a luminous glow that leaves the stars muted in their brilliance. She surveys the world with her pale blue eyes and spies my ghostly visage among the shadows of the thicket. She smiles and without hesitation carries her lover to where I stand, her gaze never leaving my own. Together we cover his form in sweet smelling boughs of pine and leave my body to awaken the next day to calls of the search party which will tend to him, nursing him back to life. She then beckons me to the sky and for once I feel a twinge of sorrow. My journey is not yet over. I hold her to my heart and stroke her thick black hair whispering into her mouth that I will return to her soon. And with one last lingering kiss break away, back to the present.

I return to the sad remains of my physical form and feel the weight of earth bearing down upon me, pushing me back down into the dust. Using every molecule of strength that remains I stand, my legs feeling like foreign agents which are loath to comply with my requests. The cold has now seeped through my corpse, freezing what’s left of the blood coagulating in my veins. The only thought that has relevance now is that of putting one foot past the other time and time again. I am no longer in control of my own body but rather am led by a being that comes from the beyond leading my pathetic form forward and dispelling whatever demons block my path. The woods approach, first a blot of green on the white landscape and then towering majestically above me. A soft serenity fills me as I approach remembering the sweet caress of my love so far away and yet just out of sight. I make my way under the trees and lie under the soft boughs, finally at peace with the world and myself. I now wait for her to appear once more and carry me away gentle into the good night.

Untitled

Sometimes I look up into the night sky and pushing through stars and cosmos catch a glimpse of a universe much like my own yet… different… more real, vibrant. I yearn for more but, then, the street lamps cometh. Bright balls of flame, shining brilliantly, phosphorescently, obliterating the lesser lights that remind me of a home I’ve never known. I race down the street searching for a dark refuge for the night to find me, and fail… I am lost in the glow of a far too busy world.

For now I have only my shadow which I know by name. I feed him songsof the earth and he grows huge, flying before me and guiding my footfalls. Am I not my shadow’s keeper? Do I not hide him from clouds heavy in rain and the angry noonday sun? Do I not follow him wherever he leads through paths crooked, little worn by the passing masses? I stand alone with my shadow, two ghostly visages drowning in a sea of shapeless soulless echoes, searching for answers in a world riddled in questions. I look once more into the sky and see truth and undiluted beauty, life after life after death. My shadow knows all and secretly whimpers promises of dreams not withered before they bloom and hopes not dashed by the hand of fate. My shadow will remain vigilant, ever at my side, though all else may fail me. I treasure him more than whatever riches I own for he is my light and will someday lead me past the lights of this world and back to my home beyond the cosmos.

Ring Around the moon

It must be two in the morning as I head back to the house, hopeful that the noise has dropped to a level that will allow me to sleep in peace. I creep beneath campus street lamps, enjoying the stiff wind that whips towards me, picking up speed as it rolls down into the valley, finally filling my red puffy jacket like a red balloon. Avoiding the sidewalk I take to the street, almost hopeful that a pair of headlights will appear over the horizon and send me scurrying back to the curb, breaking the monotony of step after soundless step. My gaze rakes the ground, watching for dark icy patches. I have already come close to falling twice, catching myself at the last moment by gyrating my hips against my momentum to save myself from landing flat on my ass.

As I stare into the road the cloud bank breaks and a soft yellow light seeps through the shadows, leaving the night drenched in the muted glow of moon mist. I glance up into the full round orb above and notice that tonight it is not alone. A ghostly halo surrounds it, perfectly round and huge, dwarfing the moon in its vastness. My focus remains upward as I search for explanations for this phenomenon, but my mind, numbed by cold and the need for sleep surrenders, leaving me content to let the moment enthrall me with its ephemeral beauty. The minutes pass unchecked with the entire valley frozen under the moon’s mournful gaze, lost in a state of perpetual slumber. I stand hypnotized, not sure whether to share my discovery or keep it close to heart, fearful that if I turn away the nights spell will be broken and the moon will disappear once more into the blackness. My decision is made for me however as another cloud passes and I am left once more alone. I walk on, not entirely sure if what I saw was real or in truth a dream.